Today, I was talking with my brilliant friend who is currently living and working elsewhere, which forces us to communicate by Skype. I love speaking to her because we are always on the same page. We adhere to different religions and we haven’t always thought so alike but she always makes sense to me. This time we got onto the subject of men. This subject crops up quite often and she’ll tell me what’s going on with her and I’ll let her know the same for me. We give each other advice or, if we don’t know what to do and the situation is just too rubbish, we talk it out and it always feel better afterwards. This is what girl friends are for! J
Today we spoke about relationships, or sometimes those friendships that are developing into a relationship, which never seem to work out for us. It’s all going well, you’re getting on well and then he messes it up or you mess it up and the situation is irreparable. Or someone you are not attracted to falls for you, you feel awful, he feels awful, the friendship is ruined forever. Yay. Or (and this is what happens most often to me…) you decide that you like someone but you don’t want to pursue it because, to be quite honest, you’re just sick to the back teeth of being lied to or hurt. A typical situation: he decides he likes you, he convinces you that this will not happen with him. See how it goes, get to know each other, I really like you, you’re so pretty blah blah blah…you end up talking for hours. It sounds pretty harmless, right? Wrong. If you are like me, you may be friends with men but you do not open up to just anyone who comes along. I am not a soppy person but if I feel confident enough to utter those horribly sentimental words, ‘I like you’, I’m either drunk or you’ve earned my trust. Now if it’s the latter, when that person decides ‘Nah, I actually don’t like you that much anymore’ or you can see that their enthusiasm is waning, it is crushing (this is the word my friend used, and I think it’s pretty accurate).
This has recently happened to me and I’m pretty sick of it. I don’t want to keep waiting for the next one to come around, to go through the motions of liking them, talking to them, considering the possibility that this might go somewhere…and then being disappointed again. No, thanks! I have always thought that ‘the right one’ would come around and that it would work out. That’s how God would make it happen because it happened for my parents and my sisters and look at their beautiful families. I’m not so sure that is the case for everyone. I really don’t know if God has designed us all for marriage and a family. Yes, I want it more than anything, but I’m not sure if God made me for that purpose. Now, I know you’re all thinking, “But you’re only 23! You’re just a baby. Give it time, wait around, there are plenty of fish in the sea”. Yes, and I notice that everyone who says that is married with children. Clearly marriage happened for you and I am over the moon for you, but I cannot carry on believing that God made us all for marriage. There are plenty of people who are lovely and very eligible who have never found someone to marry. Why is that?
If this is what I’m supposed to do, if I am supposed to be single for the rest of my life (and I am almost sure that I am not made for religious life), then I think I should come to terms with it now rather than wasting my time with relationships which will come to nothing and ultimately hurt me more and more each time.
Is there anyone else who agrees with me?